At some point in my life I realized that my kind of pragmatism allowed me to survive but not live happily. I can’t really blame my old self; coming from the bottom, mere survival was already a big goal. I had no big dreams. I was busy just trying to make it to the next day okay. It sounds exaggerated, maybe it is, but anybody who lived with very little privilege if at all, knows how it feels–that feeling that there’s no point dreaming of anything because you cannot achieve them anyway, hell, you cannot even get past challenges in front of you.
But somehow, little by little, things improved. But the pragmatism remained. It’s good; we all need to stay grounded right? But the thing was my attitude towards dreaming also remained the same. I reached a better place but chose not to dream further. Maybe I was afraid to fail. Maybe I got used to the old stuff. Maybe I was only good at survival and nothing more. To this day, I am not sure why. What I do know is that I limited myself by not updating my way of thinking.
Today I am more open to possibilities. They still give me the jitters. In addition, being the planning type, sometimes just thinking about the path to achieving a new goal can already exhaust me. Still I find myself giving more yeses to challenges now than before. I choose to believe that I will always be alright. I know what the bottom looks like. Rather than be occupied by fear of going back there if I fail, I comfort myself with the thought that I can always make it out of there should things go south. I’ve done it before. I can do it again. Maybe even with a smile this time.
Smile. Let us practice self love by allowing the simplest of things to make us smile. Like a beautiful quiet morning.
#infj #infjthoughts #journal #easter #musings
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